Question…
Is there a meaning to all of this?
If so what is it for?
Are you confused?
What should we all do?
What is going on?
Are there affects or effects?
Is there a point?
What are you doing?
Is worth significant?
What about morals?
Is it all the same or different?
Is this real or virtual?
What is real?
What is virtual?
Do you know?
I don’t…but I must continue to acquire
Rap Music and Typewriters…
I have started to type my rap lyrics out on my typewriter. At first, I started doing it to simply make use of a typewriter, that had just been sitting in the corner of my room collecting dust. Once I started typing my lyrics out, I found the experience quite peaceful….relaxing. When I began I remember how much weight I had to use on the typewriter, my fingers were no where near accustom to using that amount of force, when typing. Now I feel like I am going to break my flimsy mac keyboard if I am not careful.
I wish I brought my typewriter to Japan. I do not know what it is but typing things out the old fashion way conjures up unfamiliar feelings. Last night I typed out a few pages of gibberish. The pages were filled with fragments of my thoughts, nothing more. The moment I started typing, I realized how hard it would be to stop.
You ever feel like you were sitting on something special? Whether an idea or a concept or anything, but you continual sat on it because you had no idea what to do with it, if you got up off of it? For the longest time I knew I wanted to write. For the longest time I knew there was something I have to write, not for the sake of man kind or anything but for my sake. Everyday I can feel the fragments slowly coming together…Only I have no idea what it is….Is that weird?
I miss Japan….
– Gardener
Do not be so Dramatic….
1:46am….and I cannot sleep. I figure why not try to spew my thoughts and feelings in this “late night” blog post.
For the longest time I knew I was different than the “typical” North American. I know what your thinking, what the hell is the “typical” North American? In the essence of time, I will summarize it as accumalating all the negative “stereo typical” characteristics of life in North America and attributing them to individuals.
Spare me the “but Dwayne everybody is different” spiel. I think it can be argued that happiness here primarily revolves around status and titles.
– you must get a degree
– you must get a good job
– you must get a partner/married
These are a few of the ideas that have constantly been pounded in my head. No matter where I go I continue to hear these ideas praised, almost as if they were the beginning and end of one’s happiness.
It is now 1:54 and I have to admit…I am not built for life here. At 28 I can honestly tell you I am pretty unhappy with only ONE piece of my life: Friends (or anyone I have love/cared about that was not blood family).
I mean I constantly find myself having to explain my introverted behaviours. Now “fuck” what I think about myself, if you are reading this and know me you do not need an explanation about whether I am a “good person” or not (and the definition for what makes a “good person” is debatable).
When it comes to non-familiy members there are a selected FEW, who I truly care about. Wait I just thought of this…what really disappoints me is that I always imagined that I would have that friend I was friends with since adolescence…And we’d have this great life together (this is weak as fuck I know). Or it could be maybe I thought I had this but it dissolved.
I’m rambling…At the end of the day I am not content with the way somethings have worked out with people, I thought I was closer with.
Now this has left me with the strong thought of “There is nothing here for me in Canada”. A few months ago I told a friend of mine and after explaining my perspective he completely understood my position.
There isn’t anything here, for me. At least right now. Oh you might be thinking “what about your family?” Listen I love my family more than anything but my mother wants nothing more then her son to be happy with his life and right now he is not.
So I have decided to save all my money over the next 2 years and get the hell out of here. Where will I go? No idea. But hopefully I will be able to teach abroad and write the many stories lingering in my head and on scribbled on various scrap papers scatter around my room.
And I am excited about doing this, I just want to exist with a quiet mind. With all the memories I have of life here, I find my mind is too loud. I’ll drive by a location and think about the past memories and won’t stop. I can’t help how my mind functions believe me,,,I struggle DAILY suppressing the urge to do some Drake shit. And by Drake shit I mean make a phone to an ex or past homies and share my true feelings…..uggh I hate to care so much.
August 30, 2013 I begin to do everything I can to move abroad. The most important thing right now is money and I can easily get that.
– Gardener (sorry for any grammar errors way to late to proof read).
DISCLAIMER: Please note that even though this is an emotional post I continue to be gangsta as fuck. Real Gs don’t cry and all day errday I continue to be a real nigga! *fist hits chest*. It just be sometimes I be listen to Pac and think “shit thugs got emotions too” But don’t get it twisted fuck boi!! I drink straight out the juice box fuck a straw!!