Dear Virtual Diary,
To Stay or Not to Stay.
I have been giving a lot of thought lately to how long I will stay in Japan for. With this particular job and living situation, I have a maximum of 5 years. Currently, I am not sure how long I want to be here for. Gary Snyder stayed for 10 years…
Instead of thinking of reasons of why I should stay, I have been thinking of reasons of why I should go.
Believe me I know that I am jumping the gun, but when you are out on an island with 6,000 people you tend to do a lot of thinking.
Other than seeing family and friends, I have repeatedly come to the same reason over and over again.
Being 32 (Another birthday passes by) now and staying 5 years would mean that I would be returning home at 37 years old. Age is one of the last insecurities I have, I think. While writing this down I got butterflies in my stomach when just typing I’d be 37 years old (more butterflies).
I can’t help but thinking about “what will I have to show at 37 years old?”. If I stay here, nothing. Contradictory, I ask myself “if I was 37 and had a home I would still be unhappy”. Truthfully, I could have done that if I wanted. I had an ideal job for that life. But I quit.
My biggest challenge lies in [thinking ahead]. I do not have the ability to see what I will evolve into. Whether it be the work I am writing, the Japanese I am studying, the music I am creating or the evolution of ideas that I simply jot down from time to time. I cannot see the final results of what they will amalgamate to. This unforeseen foresight is where I have my challenges. Maybe if I could see the results of who and what I’d become my decision for staying longer would be that much easier.
But then if I knew the future would I still work as hard? If someone told me that my Japanese will be native level by next year, I’d probably stop studying so hard on account of knowing that everything would be alright. But this would change the future no? Ceasing my studies would result in me not speaking very good Japanese in the following year.
“We don’t give a flyin’ 747 fuck though” – Nas.
In hip hop I always hear the lyrics “scared money, don’t make no money”, which simply translates to “with no risk, there is no reward”. I guess my risk is all in my age and risking the potential feeling of being almost 40 with nothing to show. I should also not that this would be in the measure of materials only. I have some respect for my self worth.
I also realize that this is all really superficial. I don’t necessarily care about people who are 40 who don’t own a house or have many things to their name, so why do I care so much? Maybe I care because all of my life I have been told to care. I wonder if it just comes down to wanting to be desirable, respect or both.
Writing about it or drowning my thoughts with hip hop music usually quells my worries. *Cues Dom Kennedy’s After School”